Saturday, October 27, 2012

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Twitch, twitch ... Rock

Oh! Hello. Were you talking to me? Sorry, I was just rocking in the corner and noticing alllllll the pretty colors! Do you see them? No? Well, that's probably because you're not on your last frayed nerve and wishing you could swim away like a dolphin. Blink, blink.

Humor conquers stress, right? If so, then I should be hired immediately as the headlining comedienne. It's my coping mechanism, but I think even that is failing.

The house saga continues. The hurdles just keep coming on buying our house. Just when we think we're almost to the finish line, more hurdles get thrown into our path. On Thursday, we started all over with a NEW lender. Yep. No joke. The first one has been yanking us all over the place with not meeting deadlines, promising and not delivering, disappearing and not calling us for days on end. Our offer on the house was accepted on July 22nd for God's sake! A 203K rehab loan is more complicated, yes. It takes longer to close, yes. But this is ridiculous. We're lucky the sellers have been patient and keep signing on extensions, but they're losing patience. Well, yeah. So are we! I'll leave all the myriad details out which led us to this point, but we decided to jump to another (better known) lender. In doing so, we got a better interest rate, lower monthly payments and a *promise* that they can close on the house by mid November. I really don't believe anything anymore, and that's what's bringing me down.
~ I want this house so bad, it scares me. ~

It's much more than getting 'A' house, any house. There is so much more behind it. It represents so much to us, to our lives, to the process that got us to this place. I'm not going to go into that, but there it is. I've tried not to put too much weight on getting this house, but I've obviously failed on that count. There is no logical reason it shouldn't all turn out okay, but ... we all know things in life don't always turn out the way they should. Maybe I'm just worn down by all the delays, possible lies and funny-business on our lender's part, the whole arduous process of this kind of loan. I don't know. But I am worn the HELL out and feeling ground to a paste.

I really try to keep my personal stuff off of here because it's my refuge and escape. But, I've pulled away from most people in my daily and personal life because I just cannot even talk about "what's happening with the house?" anymore. I'm crying, nauseated, not sleeping, not breathing right. Poor Jim has had to deal with me alternating between crying, shouting and staring into space. At least I'm still eating and cooking. If that stops, we'll know we're really in trouble! With all this stress, I really should have lost at least ten pounds by now, but ... well, not so much. Wine has become a food group.

In OTHER news ...

~ The rains have finally returned and, in a weird way, it's comforting. Maybe the familiar sound of heavy October rains will set my little world back on its axis. But then, I've been accused of having magical thinking. It's been freakishly dry in the Pacific NW since August. I mean - dust clouds, huge fires on the west side of the Cascades, brown fields and 20 degree weather in September just do not happen around here. Yesterday was the first rain in 70 days here. I fell asleep to frogs croaking beneath the bedroom window. I'm sure they were grateful for the water. It made me wonder ... what do you call a dehydrated frog? A fraisin? What does a parched froggy do when it doesn't rain? Or the salamanders, for that matter? These are the things that keep me awake at night.

~ Tomorrow is the first meeting of the group I formed, on a whim, last month - Urban Farmers. I think 12 are attending the plant, seed and harvest swap. There are 32 members in the group in the first 3 weeks. Huh. Who'd have guessed?

~ If I had my way, I'd be in Europe right now. I'm usually there at this time of year and I'm really feeling the pull to flee, as you can imagine. I'm running out of ingredients, miss my friends, want to go to my favorite haunts, write more on my novel in the place where it happens and just ... be the ME I am when I'm there. It's hard feeling like you belong in two countries. Overall, it's a good thing, but ... it hurts, too. A constant ache for the other, but never totally immersed in either one. It's a difficult thing to explain. I guess the only thing I can do is ... finish writing my book, get it published and then buy a studio apartment in Germany or Italy and live in two worlds. Yeah, that'd work!

So, that's the story from here. After writing this, I think I need to spend some time in the kitchen, in my art room, outside. Try to leave aside the daily worries and be in the moment. WHY is that just about the hardest thing to do? It sounds so simple, but it's so not. The best way I can do that is to engage in mundane pleasures and focus on tactile things. Cooking ~ Colors ~ Textures ~ Nature ~ Pen on Paper.

I'm going to go slather butter on some turkey parts, turn on all the lights in my art room and see what I create and play some mellow music. Wish me luck ...

Sunday, October 7, 2012


Art by Andy Goldsworthy - nature artist

In the midst of waiting for our new house to close, all the craziness in getting the contractor bids for the rehab, changing and adding and adding social sites like here, a friend gone round the bend in hospital and pet sitting a paraplegic dachshund that needs to be expressed five times a day ... I decided to start a new group on! What the hell was I thinking?!

Before I had time to undo my well-meant but ill-timed plan, it hit the Meetup board and people started joining right off. Ohhhh, no, what've I done? Apparently, I hit on a popular subject which had no other groups in the area. I called it Urban Farmers of South Puget Sound and in a week, there are 31 members. As organizer, I have to come up with meetings, field trips or activities. Ummm ... right. I don't even have the house to host it in, yet.

As I kept up with greeting new members, loading photos and looking like a deer in headlights, Jim was teasing and chuckling. My mind was blank on what to do for a first meetup. I just have not been thinking straight with all the stress in getting our house. I've been a wreck. So, this little whim of a project wasn't helping. Jim helped me brainstorm and came up with a stellar idea. Our first meeting will be a Plant, Seed or Harvest swap. Bring a little or a lot to share and then we'll talk about what members are looking for in the group, put out ideas, etc. Thankfully, a person offered to host it at her house / farm since I hadn't put down a location yet. Okay, so ... here we go! I've even designed a tote bag ~

Today I harvested the lemon verbena leaves. It's been so uncharacteristically dry here that they dried on the plant. Then I came in and made some lemon verbena and lavender tea. Heavenly scent!

Jim and I inventoried all the lumber we have stashed in various places here, so we know what we have already when we get to FINALLY building the new chicken coop on the new property. Still have a lot to buy. It'll be great when it's done. Agriculturally architectural, of course. With an architect for a husband, nothing is ever "just" a planter or coop or rabbit hutch. There must be five pages of plans for the coop - elevations, specs, etc. So, that's what's up around here.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

GTP - Dichotomy of the Soul

Gator, you gave us a triple play that goes straight to the heart. I knew I had to participate in this one...

I am forever between
here and there
Home in both places,
Belonging in neither.
Fire burns,
Smolder and flare,

gnb 2012

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

October-ish Pics ... and Malcolm!

Fall fell with a 'whump' last night. The temperature was 23 degrees! The Empress tree, with its huge, velvety leaves, gives up the ghost at the first hard freeze and drops them all in one day. I lay in bed this morning, watching them fall like green handkerchiefs. I suppose it's the last time I'll see this tree go to sleep for the winter.

I brought out the Halloween box today, looking for Malcolm. I love my little ghoul. I've had him for years and he told me right away that his name was Malcolm. I took him to the woods for a float and a hover to get the musty dust out of his shroud. Now he's content to hang on the front door. At least, during the day. Who knows what he gets up to at night. Sometimes, he's turned around in the morning ... I never ask him.

Lots of spider webs around ~ they looked sparkly after the frosty night, once the sun came out and made things dewy ...

On an autumn walk in the woods and down the road, I found a few more interesting things ...

And then Malcolm and I returned home ...

If you catch a wisp of white outside your windowin the deepest part of the night, it's probably just Malcolm ~ visiting his old haunts and searching for himself. He won't bother you. I'm pretty sure.