Friday, June 1, 2012

~ Letting It Be ~

Why is it that allowing events to unfold, stepping back from the control panel, being present and breathing are so damn hard to do? On the one hand, it seems a natural state to just ... BE. But then Captain Brain steps in to muck it all up. 

'What ifs' turn into scenarios that keep me up at night. Planning elaborate dances around imagined problems, vacillating between positive and negative thinking, hopeful then fearful in turns ... it's exhausting and pointless. Fitful sleep and tortured dreams leave me far from refreshed in the morning. 

An entire year of warring, roller coaster emotions has left me without many reserves. And although the past months have been very much on the upswing, I'm still pulled way back from many of the people in my life. I've shared more here than I have with most people in my day to day existence this past while ~ perhaps because I don't feel the obligation to keep everyone up to date or the pressure to be engaged and ever supportive even when I'm crumbling to pieces. I can share here as much or as little as I please and I don't get a bloody guilt trip. Some of you have been incredibly supportive and loving to me and you know who you are. All of you have been kind, funny, helpful and interested and I appreciate that so much.

God, I'm getting maudlin. So, enough philosophizing. The good most certainly outweighs the bad and that keeps me smiling more often than not. Tonight, I'm playing the music LOUD, cooking things that make me feel yummy, creating some arty projects in my mind and hangin' with my purry and barky peeps. 

A friend asked my advice recently and I responded without really thinking. I said, "Life comes in hundreds of colors, not just black and white. That Crayola box lets us color our lives in a way that matches no one else's. But sometimes, pictures collide and create a whole new piece of art that can change the hues of who we are. No one but you can tell you what to paint." Once I said it, I thought, Now where did that come from???

Guess I'll get out my papers, paints, pencils, ribbons and findings and see what I create. Thanks for indulging me.